F9
Hey, remember one click ago where I made fun of the ‘Let There be Carnage’ as one of the worst sequel titles out there? How about this one? That’s right, the second last installment in the progressively ridiculous franchise is simply called F9. Universal could have called it “Fuck you, come give me loads of money while I numb your brain for nearly three hours, you stupid pieces of shit 9” and it would still have a mint worth of box office receipts. Just so we’re clear, this series started off as a Point Break rip off with Vin Diesel and his crew using supped up cars to pull off high-speed heists. Now, Diesel is doing battle with John Cena, his super-spy/black ops assassin brother (???) as the world hangs in the balance. This has to be the WORST and most RIDICULOUS franchise I have ever seen as it spirals further and further into not just absurdity but stupidity as well.
The worst part about the whole thing? How is Diesels Dom supposed to fight a villain he can’t even see!??!
Jungle Cruise
Yes, Disney, I see you. You’re missing out on that “Pirates” money and you’re casting the always likable Dwayne Johnson and Emily Blunt to create some magic and get another ride-based franchise off the ground. Except, you know, this looks abysmal. Played out action sequences, predictable dialogue, the People’s Eyebrow, it’s all very… meh. There’s nothing here that’s going to put this ass in a seat and if you value your time, the 2.5-hour runtime of predictable hijinks should not be on your list of things to watch this year.
Snake Eyes
Remember the GI Joe movies from a few years ago? Yeah, I had forgotten too. This spinoff focuses on arguably the most popular Joe character, the ninja Snake Eyes, and how he became the military grade katana wielder a very specific age group knows and loves. It’s got a good cast but that’s about where the good ends. I grew up on GI Joe’s and even I can’t be bothered. The time of Joe’s is over, and a completely forgettable movie series isn’t going to do this one any favors. Sorry childhood – we have to draw the line on nostalgia somewhere and this seems like a pretty good place to do it.
Black Adam*
Okay, seriously though, I do really like Dwayne Johnson. He’s funny, charming, likable, and the most electrifying man in sports entertainment! It’s just his film choices aren’t always, how do I say this… good. For instance, Black Adam!
We once again plumb the depths of the hellhole that is the WB/DC film schedule to find ourselves with the origin story of, *checks notes*, Shazam’s greatest enemy? That can’t be right. No one, not even WB, is going to build a massively expensive film on a second-rate villain of a third-rate hero, right? A film that not only doesn’t feature said hero but also sets up the villain as a major player in a now non-existent connected film universe, right? *Double checks notes*
Jesus Christ…