Welcome to Cafe Infinite Disappointment

COG Considers “Technical Previews”

Sometimes when things go a little bit south, the best course of action is to relax and maybe see the humor in the situation, if it’s there to be found. The technical issues around the Halo: Infinite Multiplayer technical preview launch wasn’t minor, but in the end, people got in and were able to play the game. It begs a bigger question, though. What happened to the days when developers just, you know, finished a game and released it? With that in mind, imagine this scene…

The scene is a fancy restaurant. Crowds of people wait outside. Inside, noisy and impatient diners are sitting at rough, unfinished tables waiting to be served. The waitstaff appear to be frustrated and overwhelmed. 

Waiter: Good evening, sir. Welcome to Cafe Infinite Disappointment. Please excuse the mess, we’re not quite finished decorating.

Customer: I waited in line for hours. People are pretty angry out there. And it looks like you don’t have enough staff.

Waiter: Yes, well, we weren’t expecting such a large response. We were caught off guard. And the door is broken. We didn’t know how to let people in. Then they kept pushing and shoving…

Customer: You were caught off guard? You’ve been advertising this restaurant for, like, years. You invited me. 

Waiter: Again, we apologize. And please remember, that apple crate you’re sitting on? It does not represent the way the chairs will actually look. We just want your feedback now.

Customer: Well, my feedback is that this sucks. I just got a splinter.

Waiter: I’m sorry, sir. Would you like to see our Early Access Menu?

Customer: Yes, I’m starving.

Waiter: (hands menu to customer) Please keep in mind that not everything on the menu is actually available as pictured.

Customer: Everything on the menu looks good. I’ll have the steak.

Waiter: Oh, I’m so sorry. The steak isn’t available yet. I could bring you some crackers.

Customer: Well, how about the pasta, then? I love alfredo sauce.

Waiter: The pasta will be excellent. At some point. We’re not ready to serve it just yet. There are some bugs. In the pasta.

Customer: Well, what do you actually have?

Waiter: I could bring you some fish. The salmon is delicious. Really, we’re only open tonight so everyone can try the fish. And give us feedback. It’s very important.

Customer: Sure. Salmon. It looks like it comes with a choice of vegetables or a salad.

Waiter: Yes, at some point that will be true. For now, the salmon comes with a placeholder picture of either the salad or the steamed vegetables. Your choice. Chez Infinite Disappointment is all about giving the diner choices. Our community is important.

Customer: Whatever. Just bring me some food.

The waiter leaves and returns a very long time later.

Customer: Where have you been. I’ve been waiting for, like, hours.

Waiter: There was a slight problem in the kitchen. The oven wasn’t working. Well, it still isn’t, actually. Funny. It was working fine last night, when no one was here. The kitchen staff really are in a panic about it. But little snafus like this are to be expected when you launch a brand new restaurant.

Customer: Are you sure you’re ready to open?

Waiter: Absolutely. And again, this does not represent the final product. Nor is the restaurant, strictly speaking, open. Remember that. But we thought it was important to serve people now, just to show them what’s in store and get their very important feedback.

Hands the customer a paper plate with a still frozen fish on it.

Customer: What’s this?

Waiter: Your delicious fish, just as you ordered. We call it “Early Access Salmon.”

Customer: You mean, uncooked salmon. What am I supposed to do with it?

Waiter: Enjoy it, and of course appreciate whatever features of the salmon are currently available. You know, the shape, and smell. After all, it’s still a fish. You just can’t eat it yet.

Customer: You know what? I’m leaving. This place is a disaster. You’re clearly not ready.

Customer walks out, waiter calls after him.

Waiter: Before you leave, would you mind joining our Insider Club so we can send you special offers and invitations for events like this? And don’t forget, we want your feedback!