Everyone Desperately Wants The Switch Pro To Be Real

We Treat Every Rumor Like Water In An Endless Desert

If you pay attention to the rumors, the fabled Nintendo Switch Pro is a lot of things. One of those things being real, of course. We’ve been seeing rumors and leaks about this magical system since sometime in 2018, and it still very much doesn’t exist. This is because Nintendo has two unspoken superpowers: they’re great at keeping quiet when the rumor mill starts churning, and they’re amazing at disappointing fans. What I’m saying is that this mystical, perfect, hypothetical console is not going to be what you’re hoping for.

So what does this super Switch have going for it, allegedly? A mini-LED display, the ability to play 4K games, and a new controller design. I mean, probably. So far the sources for these rock-solid predictions are analysts and international retailers. The first group, the analysts, are just making guesses and getting paid to write about it. Oh, you think the biggest game company on Earth is going to make another console? Hot damn, how much chicken blood did you need to get that from the oracle? Which elder god whispered this secret into your ear? How can I obtain this incredible power???

As for the second group, it’s actually pretty important to be first on the block with pre-orders, you see. So companies will cook up placeholders, something that can go live in a flash once the product actually exists. Sadly, this job is usually left to people not paid enough to do it right. That’s how you get the Wal-Mart preorder jamboree! Remember when Wally World held their own E3, weeks before the actual event? Do you also remember how not real a certain amount of those games were? Unless there was a Splinter Cell released that I don’t know about.

Last but not least, is the Nintendo Factor. This is a company sort of famous for subverting expectations. Sometimes in a good way, sometimes not so much! Everyone is chomping at the bit, sure that the Switch 2 is going to whip all kinds of ass. Have we all forgotten the second Wii? What about the upgraded Nintendo 64? Or the Famicom Disk System? Best case scenario, we get a slightly better console that’s almost worth the money, such as the N3DS. Worst case, this thing splits their install base in half in exchange for moderately better graphics. And this is all assuming that the bloody console is real at all, which I reiterate, we have zero evidence for. Maybe we should stop treating every leak like the last donut in the break room.