Pokemon Go Was Used as Russian Election-Swaying Tool: Gotta Sway ‘Em All!

Pokemon Go Was Used by Russians to Make Sure We Look the Other Psyduck

What depths will the Russian government stoop to? My God. Tapping a sweet, innocent game that makes unsuspecting teens walk into oncoming traffic with their fake Black Lives Matter accounts? That’s right, Russia-linked agencies really hammered down on the Black Lives Matter movement as their lynchpin to sew insurgency. Pokemon Go was used as a Russian tool to bend the youths’ minds (and also to get a demographic that is particularly jaded when it comes to government elections) to vote against their interests and for a big Bullyman.

The Late Show with Stephen Colbert highlighted this story in his opening monologue. Clip below:

You’re right Colbert, fidget spinners are trash and Avocado Toast is bland and tasteless! But taking a shot at the United States President, the most respected man in all the land via a Squirtle reference to his Russian Pee Tapes? Naw dawg, Trump just wanted to grab all the women by the Pidgey and get his Weedle Jigglypuff Lickitung’d. AND THAT’S ALL GEN 1 REFERENCES, BAYBEEEE! Plus, anyone who has played any of the Pokemon games knows that you get a million Pidgeys and they’re a worthless bird that you wish you could just grind into meat for your other Pokemon.

Pokemon Go was used

But seriously, it’s heinous that a foreign government agency would try to interrupt someone’s delightful augmented-reality game of throwing a ball at a Charmander in a public park—a place that no teen would go to before—with some nice racial incitement that really gets your Ninetales in a bunch. Before long, you’re Hypno’d into going to the polls and voting for a Doduo. Seems Farfetch’d. HAHA, DID IT AGAIN, BAYBEE! Haha, a real serious topic like election-meddling once again undercut by this guy’s pun-filled jokes! Aha, the world’s going to end!

Colbert didn’t spare Hilary Clinton either, throwing her to the coals with a “maybe she should have Pokemon Gone to Michigan and Wisconsin.” Dang, dawg you were real Tentacruel to her. DID IT AGAIN, HAHA!

Mr. Colbert, I am available to write monologues and any weird references you might want to cover, please contact my representation at your earliest convenience.