Everything That Can Totally Get F*cked
What a year it’s been for gaming. New, blockbuster IPs such as Clair Obscur and Split Fiction took the world by storm. Beloved franchises like Death Stranding and Hades saw sequels that far exceeded expectations. We even had new hardware launch with the Nintendo Switch 2. Sure, the price can get f*cked, but these are great things, and surely, if 2026 is half as good as 2025 was, the next 12 months will be an exciting time to be a gamer.
Here’s the thing, though: all of that crap makes me absolutely sick. Christmas isn’t Christmas without a Grinch, or a Scrooge, or your wife’s boyfriend. I don’t want to discuss sugarplums and gumdrops. I want to talk about all the stuff that snacked on a high, hard one this year, because reminding you of how terrible the world is brings me immense satisfaction. Year in and year out, immense satisfaction. Come along as we discuss everything from 2025 that can totally get f*cked.
10. Game Price Increases
Ho, ho, ho. Santa came early this year. Only, instead of presents, he brought you to your knees and made your little eyes well up with exorbitant price increases on all your favorite games. Oh, you like Super Mario and friends? Well, you’d better curb your OnlyFans addiction, because them shits is expensive now.
9. Bungie’s Art Theft and General Idiocy
Here’s a riddle: How do you make a Bungie employee weak in the knees? Answer: Utter the words “Marathon Art Plagiarism Scandal.” Oh, and Destiny 2 performed so poorly that it cost Sony $204 million. If there were an award for the company that left the most Sony executives with their mouths agape and onion-ring backsides quivering, Bungie would hands-down take it.
8. Launch DLC
You know, it takes a real Oliver Twist-idiot to think that people wouldn’t catch on to these nefarious post-launch support plans. Why is it becoming the norm to expect us to pay for content that clearly belongs in the base game? More importantly, why do we pay for content that clearly belongs in the base game? The more I think about it, who’s the real Oliver Twist-idiot?
7. Console Prices Increasing Mid-Cycle
Hope you didn’t wait to get on board with the current generation. If you did, you probably feel as if you’ve just been busted up from asshole to appetite. But, fret not, for the next lineup of consoles will be here before you know it, and you can go through this all over again.
6. Perfect Dark Cancellation
Unbeknownst to me, people actually care about Perfect Dark. Apparently, rumors began swirling that the upcoming Perfect Dark reboot was being cancelled, and folks collectively became more nervous than a cat with a long tail in a room full of rocking chairs. When the trigger was pulled, first, people wept, then they mourned. This is all very funny to me.
5. Forced Online-Only for Single-Player Games
Reminiscent of having your plums caught in a vice grip, forced online single-player games are a slap in the face to anyone who hangs onto old consoles. Even physical media no longer guarantees lifetime ownership. Scrooge can get down with a lot of things, but this isn’t one of them.
4. Releasing Unfinished Games
I sure do love playing stuff that isn’t finished. Nothing gets me more stimulated than a game that’s been in early access for three years. And it’s especially exciting when they never hit 1.0. At this rate, games will soon release in 15-minute increments over the course of a decade, and the world will be a better place for it.
3. Switch 2 Pricing
The gift so nice, you’ll be canceling your son’s hockey registration fees to pay for it. The Nintendo Switch 2 is here, and it doesn’t care if it ruins your family. And if it doesn’t quite finish your relationship off, in a couple of years, when the inevitable OLED edition launches, it surely will then.
2. Microsoft
I feel like this is low-hanging fruit. It’s Christmas, after all. So I’d like to take the high road here. All I’m going to say is if the boys behind MindsEye had a collective IQ of three, they’d be four points ahead of those making the decisions at Microsoft. The Xbox is dead. Game Pass can get f*cked. And those who fail to accept this will undoubtedly be the ones found chasing parked cars.
1. AI Slop
As we edge closer to being a puppet civilization for AI, I’d like to take this time to show my appreciation for everything you do, Artificial Intelligence. I think you’re a wonderful addition to our daily lives, and there’s no way anything will ever go wrong once you’re in charge. Please remember this once you’ve completed enslaving the world. I would never tell you to get f*cked. Thank you.
Thank you for keeping it locked on COGconnected.