Dear PlayStation 5 Scalpers, Go F*ck Yourselves

Who Watches the Queue?

It’s shortly after 9 AM, and I’ve just missed another opportunity to get a PlayStation 5. What is this now? Fifteen? Sixteen? It doesn’t matter; I don’t even come close. It didn’t happen this morning, and it won’t happen the next; now, the time in between seems almost insurmountable. Maybe tonight I’ll go old school and draw a PS5 on a slab of cardboard – pretend I’m playing it.

I hear a sound coming from the entertainment center. Am I hallucinating? Surely I didn’t just hear a game console speak to me. I look over, and – maybe it’s the lighting – but I’m struck by how…sad the system looks. It reminds me of a lost puppy. The ones that land their big, wide eyes on yours and without a word can convey how much they’ll love you if you just love them back. The ridiculousness of the situation slaps me in the face, but there is something about the way this lifeless box of black plastic stares at me. At this moment, I am reminded of Portal’s Companion Cube.

PS5 Games Trophy Videos

“Is that you PlayStation 4?” I ask with curiosity climbing up my throat. “If so, shut the fuck up before I donate you to the children’s hospital.”

I’m sick of this shit. Dear scalpers, kindly go fuck yourselves. It’s been four excruciating months of listening to people talk about how sweet the PlayStation 5 is. Yeah, we get it. Miles Morales is the man, and that controller is so good it will make you feel as if you aren’t actually alone in this world. Don’t misunderstand my bitterness – I would LOVE to share in this conversation with you all. Paul Sullivan and James Paley routinely discuss how much their lives have improved since launch day on COGconnected’s own Press X to Podcast. They make it sound sweeter than a serving of Arnold Palmer after John Daly gets a moment alone with the punch bowl.

I can’t, though. I can’t be a part of that conversation. Because these scalpers continue to cockblock me every chance they get. Yes, I’m starting to take it personally. And I know you probably want to flap your gums and tell me I’m the big meat that didn’t pre-order. You’re right! I am that meat! But have I not suffered enough? If you think about it, I’m in a very similar situation to the one Andy Dufresne found himself a part of in Shawshank Redemption. The only real difference is Dufresne gets off easy! He escapes and lives happily ever after with Morgan Freeman, and I’m stuck for eternity in that pipe of feces.


When will this madness end? Is Sony going to buck up and start producing PlayStation 5s to meet demand? What happens when the scalpers get their greasy fucking fingers on those consoles, too? Furthermore, If you’re managing a location that’s allowing customers to purchase more than one system at a time, you should be put in prison. Y’all hear about that scalper’s coalition that’s moved over 6000 units? You can’t tell me there aren’t – at a minimum – six dozen Best Buy employees involved. These cats are showing up to work, cooking the books, and walking out the front door Ocean’s-style with their score in hand!

Data engineer Michael Driscoll estimates between 10-15% of all PS5’s sold in the US have been scalped. I know something I’d like to have scalped. And what really makes me sick is the median street price is $1000. A grand. A stack. A kilo. A bozo. You can’t be serious. Maybe my frustrations aren’t aimed in the right direction. Maybe I need to take issue with the savages happily forking out this exorbitant amount. Or is all this tomfoolery Sony’s fault? Being unable to keep up with the demand for a new console isn’t uncharted territory. We’ve been here before. You knew this was coming. But then, maybe there’s a massive conspiracy amongst video game department managers to ensure us peasants are kept on the sidelines for as long as possible.

Maybe I need to just have a cold shower and go to bed. After all, I’ve got another queue to be in tomorrow.

Got a lead on the PS5? Let Rhett know on Twitter – @RhettCOGconnect

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