Sega Did What Nintendon’t
The Internet is ablaze with talk of the new Sonic The Hedgehog movie trailer. From awesome music, to perfect pearly-white teeth, to a naked hedgehog wearing cute little Nikes, this is one movie that … has … things in it. But wait, before we write this off as yet another failed attempt to translate a game into a movie, let’s give Sonic a chance. If we look closely — come on, really really try — there are some reasons to get excited. Ok, mildly intrigued? Something approaching grudging acceptance? Let’s take a look.
1. It Clearly Has the Best Soundtrack in Movie History
“Gangster’s Paradise” by Coolio? Could there be a more perfect choice of song for a movie about a lovable fast-running blue hedgehog? Yes. Yes there most definitely could. Ok, it might be a puzzling inclusion, but there’s no doubt that it adds a much needed air of surprise to the Sonic The Hedgehog movie. The producers are making a strong statement here, I think. What will you see and hear when you go to see it in the theatre? Who knows, they’re saying — it could have anything. They might have a Coolio song, or maybe a random celebrity like Beyonce will show up for a surprise cameo as Sonic’s cousin. Because — BOOM — why not?!
2. How Bad Can it Be?
As bad as it may appear in the trailer, let’s be honest, it still can’t be any worse than some of the bad video game movies we’ve seen, can it? I mean, have you seen Uwe Boll’s Far Cry from 2008? Or 1993’s Super Mario Bros.? (You did? Really? Oh, sorry). At least Sonic has Doctor Robotnik played by Jim Carrey, who is always good for physical humour. And there’s the guy from Memento, and he’s a pretty respected actor. Oh wait no, I’m being told that’s James Marsden who played Cyclops in X-Men. Ok, well he’s good too. But as I said, Jim Carrey.
3. It Promotes Excellent Dental Hygiene
Those teeth. Have you ever seen such perfect, white, clean shiny teeth? Ok, they may look bizarre, and yes even deeply unsettling, but you have to admit that they are in pristine condition. And that is a great example for all the young people out there — who, let’s face it, will be among the many hundreds of people who go to see this film — that teaches them what proper dental care looks like. As parents out there can attest to, this is a lesson that is very difficult to teach the youth. So I applaud the Sonic The Hedgehog movie for taking a nice moral stand with this choice, and offering up a positive role model in its titular character.
4. It Includes the Ever-Important Message that Parents Should Not Put Their Children, or Other People’s Children, in Bags.
This cannot be emphasized enough. It’s another moment when the Sonic movie boldly dares to take a philosophical stand, which I think is very laudable on the part of the producers. And in a way, isn’t the image of being put into a bag symbolic? Of the way we are sometimes silenced, stifled, robbed of our voices by others, who want to put us into neat little “bags,” or boxes, or whatever metaphor allows me to finish this sentence with some dignity?
5. Remember, Everyone Has a Genesis
“Every hero has a genesis.” Let that sink in for a moment. I don’t think there’s been a more profound movie tagline since maybe “You Can’t Handle the Tooth” from Dwayne Johnson’s The Tooth Fairy. Yes, every hero has a genesis, every person has a genesis. You, me, and even Sonic. What is your genesis? And did you ever own a Genesis? And why did your parents buy that instead of a Super Nintendo? And did you see Super Mario Bros. Movie – cause that fucking sucked too, people… sorry, got a bit off track there. But anyway, yeah, genesis or whatever.
So here’s hoping that we’ll all calm down just a little bit and see some of the amazing aspects of Sonic The Hedgehog: The Movie. Let’s get revved up, and hyped up, for what is shaping up to be a … movie … that will release, in theatres, in November. Sonic can’t be stopped — no seriously it can’t, we checked, so don’t bother trying. Just sit back, relax, and let it happen.