AKA New Parker Psychosis Syndrome
One of the devs behind the remastered Spider-Man has been getting death threats over Peter’s new face. Having seen this new face, I’m slightly confused. On the one hand, Mr. Parker looks less broken by the world and more 23 years old. On the other hand, don’t most sexual fantasies about Spider-Man involve him keeping the mask on? On the third, most important hand, b-bwuh?
Death threats are a crime (I think, I’m not a judge). If you’re going to attract a wave of moral and legal repercussions, do you really want it to be about the face of one Peterbilt S. Parkerson? Sure, no one ever faces consequences online because we live in hellworld, but what if you win the douche canoe sweepstakes? You might end up cancelled, set upon the internet ice floe and sent to drift towards the frozen wastes of Cancelheim, a real place I just made up.
Instead, why not re-direct those violent impulses elsewhere? Maybe start digging a giant hole in your backyard. Make it a little deeper every time you want to be an unstoppable goon online. Soon the neighbors will start whispering among themselves, terrified and wondering about the extent of your dark work. It’s not for them to know, however. This is between you and the howling hordes in the diseased recesses of your brain! Or just take five deep breaths and delete the draft. If you make all developers too sad they’ll quit making games. Then what will you be mad about? Trade unions? crime rates? The global conspiracy to convince us that birds are real??? You’re not ready for that one yet, so don’t go googling it. The moral of the story is maybe minor changes to video games don’t require death threats.