5 Reasons Why You Need to be WAY MORE EXCITED for The Witcher 3: Wild Hunt


Hey, do you have a minute? We need to talk – have a seat. Look, I know you have been hearing people talk about The Witcher 3: Wild Hunt, which is coming out May 19th. And I see that you’re a little bit excited, for sure. And that’s great, it really is. But, I’m going need you to get WAY MORE excited. Because frankly, I am starting to wonder whether you truly understand just how great this game is going to be.  Not judging – maybe you just didn’t know much about it. Ok, no biggie – just so we’re on the same page, here are 5 basic facts that you maybe didn’t realize:


1 – It Will Be Massive

The Witcher 3 will be one of the biggest open worlds ever in a video game. It absolutely dwarfs previous Witcher titles – as in, it is more than 35 times the size of Witcher 2. Oh, GTA V you say? Skyrim? Bigger. Seriously. Look at this visual that shows a comparison of recent open worlds:

At over 136 sq. km, The Witcher 3’s map will be 3.5 times larger than Skyrim’s, and significantly larger than GTA V. And that is just the parts that have been revealed – so far we know there will be at least two large cities and at least 25 towns. In addition, DLC will add even more land to that. If you love exploring in a game, prepare for an all-out explore-gasm. Yeah, I just said explore-gasm.


2 – It Will Look Drop-Dead Gorgeous

The Witcher 3 isn’t just graphically amazing – try new-standard-setting amazing. As in, the chain mail on your dude has links that individually move around as you move. Let that sink in for a moment. Here is a picture – check out the detail:

The devs have said that the graphics in The Witcher 3, using the REDengine3, will push the PS4 and Xbox One “as far as they can go.” And the visuals will actually improve more with Microsoft’s new DirectX 12. Just recently, the Xbox One version was shown off to the public, and it looks pretty damn close to the PC version – so if you’re worried the console game will be inferior, fear not.

Besides the amazing graphical fidelity, The Witcher 3 has countless smaller details and touches – flocks of birds flying, trees whose leaves individually sway in the breeze – that make this game a new level for immersion. How beautiful is this game? This game will be so beautiful, you’ll want to drop down on your knees, cry with joy, and call your mom just to thank her for having you.


3 – It Will Have Insane Combat Against Weird, Awesome Monsters

Geralt of Rivia hunts monsters for a living, and you’ve never seen monsters like the ones you will face in The Witcher 3. The Wargs, Rotfiends, Wyverns, Golems, Harpies, and other strange creatures that populate this world will scare you, disgust you, and fascinate you all at the same time (side note: for me, the Swamp Hag is badly in need of a sports bra). Check out this footage of some monster-encounters in the game:

Oh yeah, combat is a major strength of The Witcher 3. You don’t just fight crazy enemies, you get to finish them off in awesome finishing animations that you will swear must be cut-scenes. This game makes beheading an almost-balletic dance of blood. Watch this unbelievable video showing off some of the game’s combat sequences:


4 – It Will Have No Load Screens

(Drops mic on stage). (Walks away). (Sound of a coyote howling in the distance).


5 – It Will Have Over 200 Hours of Gameplay

That’s right. 200 hours. Now, I’m no mathematician, but that’s got to be like, a month. Right? Yeah, I’m pretty sure that’s at least a month. There are so many things to do, so many places to visit, so many monsters to slay, that you will be kept busy for longer than you ever have with a game before. You have interactions with complex, lifelike NPCs, and countless branching story-paths, in which you have to make difficult decisions in an unfolding story that you create as you play. Not only does a play-through take a long, long time, but that is just one playthrough. There are an almost-endless number of possible experience with multiple plays of The Witcher 3.

Oh yeah, and the proposed DLC will add ANOTHER 30 hours when it releases. So there’s that. Trust me, start to stock up on bottled water, protein bars, and caffeine pills. And maybe cut your hair. It sounds crazy now, but you’ll thank me later.

Look, don’t be embarrassed. I’ll give you the benefit of the doubt. You didn’t realize just how awesome The Witcher 3: Wild Hunt is going to be. You didn’t know all the facts. Ok, I get it – we’re cool. But, now you know. From this point, I’m going to ask you start to get way more hyped up about it when it releases May 19th.  You can start by checking out our upcoming review when it drops. Sound good? Ok, that is all.

Oh wait… here’s some unicorn sex you perverts…