COG Considers: Mini Console Madness

Are We Not Done With These? I Thought We Were Done.

The Mini Console craze was pretty great while it lasted, right? When the NES and the SNES Classic consoles came around, you could practically feel the electricity in the air. Companies were harvesting nostalgia from the ether itself, letting it crystallize into tiny products that gave shop bots thunderous erections. They were the hottest thing! Seeing one in real life was like catching a unicorn taking a dump on your front lawn – a truly magical event. But it turns out we could get sick of these things? And we did? Holy cow did we ever get over this fad fast. After the PSOne Classic, it seemed like we’d crossed a threshold, something that couldn’t be undone.

SEGA Genesis Mini Complete List

Then Sega got into the mix! Sega, who decided to stop making consoles almost two decades ago, is just -slavering- for these mini consoles. A recent interview revealed that they’re going to keep making tiny versions of Every. Single. Console. As long as people keep buying them, we’ll keep seeing more! Everyone else saw the writing on the wall and bailed hard, but not Sega! They’re just plugging away, and –


They might make a Sega Saturn Mini? According to this same interview? Or a Dreamcast Mini? Well, that’s… that’s a totally different thing. The interview in question makes reference to the SG-1000m the Dreamcast, the R360, and some sort of dog walking simulator. Although the Saturn wasn’t mentioned by name, my heart of hearts is super sure that it’s coming, okay???

My personal wishlists aside, it seems like the mini console movement has found a stable environment in the Japanese market. Even if we (the North Americans) are mostly over this adorable fad, new tiny retro systems will continue to pop up, at least until the loop closes. Then every new console release will be mirrored by a tiny version. Better yet, Nintendo will drop an N64 Mini on us, a monumental event that will usher in an era of world peace like nothing ever seen before. That is, assuming those nerds can figure out the extremely problematic emulation requirements associated with the console.

Long story short, miniature consoles are stupid now, up until the moment they release one that you like. Also if Sega’s next project isn’t a tiny Sega Saturn I will be very sad.