Gotta Go Fast
It’s a great time to be a Sonic fan. The Sonic Boom cartoon keeps getting better, Sonic Forces is coming with an OC DO NOT STEAL generator and Sonic Mania is finally here. I never gave Sonic the time of day when I was a kid, but the fandom has this infectious power I can no longer resist. So I went on steam and found all the Sonic games I could get my hands on in an effort to catch up. Without further ado, here’s a list of the three best ones I found, in no particular order. In addition, I’ve also thrown in three games to maybe not spend any money on unless this rising tide of Sonic has turned you into a die-hard fan. These aren’t bad games, exactly, but you can do better. Without further ado, let’s dive in. Okay? Okay.
Sonic Adventure DX
Watching these characters during cutscenes reminds me of the old Mr. Ed stories where they shoved a carrot up a horse’s ass to get its lips to move. I’m not saying this ever happened to Mr. Ed, but it might have been happening to the entire cast of Sonic Adventure. Sega, I have bad news: that’s not what eyebrows do when you talk. Also, the voice acting isn’t great, but the late 90s weren’t a great time for voice acting in games. Or like, QA testing. Was there a strike that year? This game would be a blast if not for all the wandering around you have to do. Plus about 80% of the content is practically unplayable. Knuckles and Big the cat both feel like a punishment for completionists. “Oh, you want one hundred percent? How good are you at fishing?” Cue the evil laughter followed by controllers cracking into shards.
Sonic 3D Blast
No super-powered eyebrows but playing this game made me physically ill. I got as far as I could before sonic and the camera’s disconnected movements caused me to lose my lunch. Imagine pinball spread over a huge map, forcefully shifted to an isometric perspective, and you’ll get the picture. I never played the whole game (hurk), but what I got through was too easy. The only real challenge was navigating the constant disconnect between perspective and movement. The graphics remind of Super Mario RPG but in a sad way. Can you imagine how awesome a Sonic-style isometric RPG would have been? 3D Blast is a great purchase if you have a need to induce vomiting as soon as possible.
This PS3 title is a mixtape from an ex that wants you back real bad. You miss the 2D platforming that Sonic used to be famous for? Generations has that ready for you. Do you remember the 3D gameplay as being good and not super janky? Generations brought that back for you too, wouldn’t you know it! Of course, you’ve still got some frustrating crap to suffer through. Some of those boss battles require a neurosurgeon-level attention to detail. There’s also a healthy selection of speed sections that punish you for moving too fast. They’re your ex for a reason, after all. Maybe the level design more or less amounts to a guided tour of everything that made Sonic games great, but the whole project is expertly crafted. If nothing else, your time with Sonic Generations will be fast-paced and fun. If you want a modern Sonic game that doesn’t scrape away at your nerves, this is the way to go.
Click on thru to page two for more of James shitting on Sonic games…