Nintendo Files A Patent For Robot Legs, DO NOT PANIC

Picture Thousands Of Screaming Children Being Chased By Their Nintendo Switches

Remember when Nintendo used to make robots? Well, they made at least one. He was cool too, damnit! His name was R.O.B. The Robot and he moved blocks between different stacks. It was a whole thing. Anyway, Nintendo just filed a patent for self-propelling robot legs!

Nintendo patent robot legs

Now, this doesn’t mean that Nintendo is building said legs. Companies file patents all the time that go nowhere. But they do have good old R.O.B. in their history, so nothing’s impossible, right? The patent is for a “Passive Walking Device and Passive Walking Module,” pictured above. Apparently it requires no power, relying on weight and momentum to keep moving. So, why on Earth did they file this patent at all?

No, really. Why? R.O.B. didn’t really move, and he more or less comprises Nintendo’s entire line of robots. The only explanation I can think of is that the venerable Japanese gaming giant is working on making self-reliant gaming systems capable of chasing children down when it detects they aren’t playing enough video games. If that’s the case, I hope this device also comes with a loud, grating voice commanding said children to play more Mario Odyssey. “COME BACK, HUMAN CHILD. THERE ARE STILL 428 MOONS TO COLLECT.” How about you? Are you excited to be pressed under the stainless steel boot of our future robot overlords? Or will you be one of the resistance fighters, drawing graffiti on all the Mario-branded propaganda posters covering every building?

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  • Limit Break

    *in David Hayter’s voice”

    M-Metal…. Gear…?